Australia is trying to kill you (part 1)

... or at least ruin your vacation. This must be the only country where natural selection still applies, in force, to humans. Africa might be its rival, but overall, Australia tries to kill you in such a variety of ways. Fortunately, most of these dangers can be avoided with a little knowledge, which leads me to believe that Australians are the most nature- and environment-intelligent people on the earth. Here are just a few of the ways you might die while in Australia (or sometime after visiting):

1) The Sun

Our UV-blocking ozone layer has a large hole in it centred at the South Pole. This hole doesn't quite extend up to Australia, but the ozone over Australia is quite thin due to its proximity to the hole. Less ozone means more UV rays get through and that means without applying liberal amounts of sunscreen you will BURN in 20 minutes or less. And this isn't some sissy burn you might get here. These burns can be quite serious and will lead to 2 out of 3 Australians contracting skin cancer. Skin cancer can kill, so you can see that this is quite a problem. The Aussie government subsidizes sunscreen and heavily promotes "Slip, Slap, Slop": Slip on a shirt, Slap on a hat, Slop on the sunscreen. And by Apollo, you'd better slop it on like crazy, and reapply throughout the day. Thankfully, 30+ sunscreen comes in giant bottles with hand pumps there, so you won't go broke trying to hide from the sun.

2) The Ocean

Rip tides, sharks, jellyfish, cyclones, stingrays, octopi, fish, coral, even crocs... Australia's goregeous coastlines are like those sexy female assassins you see in movies. Beautiful and tempting, yet deadly.
The Aussies are taught from a young age to spot rip tides which can suck you out to the open ocean before you know what is happening. Even a prime minister in the 1960s disappeared when he went for a swim in the ocean near Melbourne.
Sharks are easy to avoid. They are not maneaters as long as you don't:

• swim at night
• swim in murky water
• swim if you're bleeding
• throw food into the water
• gut fish on the water
• rub the guts all over yourself and then go for a swim
  

Lastly, it goes without saying: don't provoke sharks. The ocean is their house, so don't be an annoying visitor.
Australia has a jellyfish season, and Shawn and I were smack-dab in the middle of it. Now, I've been stung by a jellyfish before and it is certainly not an experience I wish to repeat, especially here. The sting I received in france felt like thousands of needles had entered my arm. The sting caused painful welts which lasted 5-7 days. The pain was so intense that even the gentle breeze caused significant pain (my dad made me a sheet fort to prevent wind from blowing on me). However, I survived the ordeal without even a scar to show for it. It would have been a cool-looking scar too because it kind of looked like a shooting star/asterisk. In northern Australia, however, deadly jellies drift around the beaches, making swimming quite dangerous. Even a dead jellyfish can sting you, so romantic walks on the beach and collecting shells can be quite dangerous. Oh, and did I mention the deadly cone shells? These could end your shell-collecting hobby permanently.

3) Highways

The highways must be deadly in Oz, or at least in Queensland. Throughout our trip down the QLD coast we must have seen hundreds of signs warning of driver fatigue, encouraging drivers to pull over at frequently-placed rest stops. Some gas stations even offered free coffee (probably a gimmick to get you to stop and also buy gas).

4) Duck-billed Platypus

It's not a myth. Male platypi have venemous spurs on their hind feet. The venom isn't deadly, but it is supposed to hurt a whole lot. While we were at the Sydney aquarium we saw one of the staff, dressed in a full wet suit, enter the platypus tank and, with much caution and deliberation, grab one of the littler ones, presumably for a check-up.


Next issue: Spiders, crocs, snakes, trees, the land.